Family Tree: Mary Elizabeth

Family Tree: Mary Elizabeth (Mom)


Ten Things to about Dear Old Mom:

1) She has been watching Days of our Lives for easily 20+ years
2) She has not heart, actually she does she is just very cold
3) Like my Dad lived in New Orleans, Louisiana till the 70’s
4) Changes her religion about every 5 years
5) Records pointless Food, TLC, and HGTV shows on all the DVRs so no one can watch shit
6) Listens to Jewish music and even tried to stop celebrating Christmas one year
7) Convinced that Obama is the Anti-Christ or a follower of the Anti-Christ
8) Obsessed with my ex boyfriend
9) You can thump her and she bruises
10) Completely obsessed with face book games like Farmville


There’s not much to say about my Mom besides the fact that I’ve learned pretty much everything from her be sex to why blood is not blue ( don’t listen to science teachers they are fucking idiots). She is easily the coldest person I know, by that I mean a normal conversation for us is….

Me: So ya today I went and I told him he’s a douche bag, and he was just like, what the F ever, and then I walked away.

Mom: Last night a baby was born at the hospital with no anal canal, they had to make a new one.

Me: Ya that’s fucking gross :: stops eating::

She isn’t phased by anything, I guess that comes with the job of working in a NICU, you’d think with her being a nurse there’d be compassion and a will driven to heal children.. No fuck that, any time I cam home with a scraped knee my truck driver of a dad cleaned it up, to this day I don’t understand that concept. My mom was not made to have children, she hates kids plain a simple, she likes older kids when they can fend for themselves but 10 and younger fuck that, that’s why I pretty much raised myself, not to mention when living with my sister she was too doped up to do anything but that’s a different blog. Mother was built and made to work for a phone company like every one else in her family, and although she had bigger dreams of being a writer or a painter and joining the Peace Corps her father would not let her, girls in her day were not allowed to leave town until they were married. So she took a typing class and in by the end of the week she worked for the telephone company and switch board operator just like her mother, aunt and all the other woman in her family.

My mom met my dad through a friend of a friend through some courses of base ball fields, and some how knew his cousin, I don’t know I think they forget at times even how they met, but at 19 they were married and in love, and by 20 they had a kid, my brother, and then later there was Beth, and then Amy, and theeen Me, but that’s a whole different story in itself.

Now it’s time for funny or memorable stories that my mom has told me…..

None, okay well there’s one: When my mother was younger like an idiot was playing in the street, when this big green pick up truck came speeding towards her. She had no time to run paralyzed in fear so she did the logical thing, she jumped over the truck. Yes, my mother when she was 8 years old jumped clear over a truck. How? According to her an Angel carried her over the truck, and to this day she remembers color of the man’s eyes; clear blue, and the license plate numbers to the truck, I’d ask but she’s at work.

And here’s another story that happened within in the last year: Couple months ago my mom and I were visiting the dentist for a yearly check up, I had not eaten all day because I binge eat a lot of times and (not purposely don’t think I have a disorder I just hardly ever get hungry), so all day I had not eaten and on our way to the dentist I asked if we could out to eat after we all done at the dentist. To which she replied yes but she’d have to get a chicken off the stove first. I thought this was strange because I did not remember her one, buying a chicken, and two, there being a chicken on the stove when we left. But I shrugged it off and figured I was not paying close enough attention. The dentist goes great, and we are out within a little over an hour, it’s now about 4:30 PM and I’m starving, I’m literally getting sick from not eating. We get to my house and my mom immediately starts running up the stairs, and I look in the kitchen and there’s no chicken….So I yell, “Hey the Kitchen’s down here!” And she starts to laugh and says, “ Oh, Emily you are so funny you know what chicken I’m talking about.” I then walk up the stairs to see my mother playing café world on face book. For the next 45 minutes she played the game until the chicken was done, while I sat there cussing under my breath.

Quotes from my mom:

Mom: “ And that’s why I’m converting to become Jewish, so I can be closer to God, and be one of his chosen children.”
Me: “ Mother, have you looked at the history of Jewish people lately? God hates them. Plus we are all God’s children a dog taught me that!”

“ The whole book was about orgies, and rape, and homosexual relationships, I was disgusted, so I threw it away! So no one will ever be able to read it again.”

“ The end times are coming and when I’m in Heaven I will ride a white horse with Jesus.”

“ Jesus will make depression go away just pray.”

“ Head ache? Take a Vicodon.”

“ I’d tell that kid he really needs to go home and stop bothering me” (referring to an annoying neighborhood kid on Chelsea’s dad’s street)